Take off your top...And burn it.

As i walk among the shitty streets of London, wading my way through the crowds of inconsiderate slow walkers, the day dreamers and sight seeing protruders, there is one thing that i just cant stand. Slogan fucking t-shirts. 

Just a prime example of a proper funny t-shirt hehe

You see, i'm a fashion lover, but equally a fashion hater. A fashion hater in the sense that if i don't like something, i really really HATE it. My, general hate for slogan t-shirts emerged in a time when women – grown, adult, honest-to-God women – were walking around wearing T-shirts upon their bodies – BY CHOICE – proclaiming that they were "Little Miss Naughty!", "Little Princess", "Sweet and tasty" and, of course, the eternally hilarious witticisms upon the acronym FCUK.  Truly, I thought, this is the T-shirt's Dark Ages. From this pyre of infantalising bullshit the T-shirt will emerge glorious, sophisticated, majestic. Maybe it will sprout jetpacks and we'll all be able to fly around and that – that alone – will justify the hellishness we are enduring now.

Little did I know I was living, not in the trough of the T-Shirt Years, but in its peak. For now, the trend among slogan T-shirts – and it pains me to think slogan T-shirts are so popular that there are actually trends among them – is not for a woman to proclaim how cute and cuddly and sparkly she is, but for men to use them to make banter-laden jokes. Truly, these chaps are "bantosauruses!" My God, they should go out and play a round of bantsminton. Their favourite actor is probably Bantz Affleck. The wit! The devastating wit! 

So, generally these slogans involve remarking on the tastiness of beer ("Save water, drink beer!"; "A balanced diet is a beer in each hand!") because, drinking beer is obviously so 2014. Sometimes these slogans proclaim the wearer's enjoyment of football ("Keep calm and play football!") or his hilarious laziness ("I'm not lazy, I just don't give a shit!"). My God, it really is a tragedy that Oscar Wilde did not live to enjoy these delightful wordplays.

And then sometimes, just sometimes, a chap will decide to don a T-shirt bearing a slogan one can only describe as "rapey.".  "I swear officer, she was awake" is actually one of the more mild ones I have encountered. Shame he was sat in a park. I have also seen men – normal-looking men – wearing T-shirts splashed with the following: "It won't suck itself"; "Keep calm and rape a lot"; "Yes means yes and no means yes"; "Scream if you want more" etc. It really does take all of a lady's stamina to not throw herself at their feet and cry: "Oh please! Take me now!" but somehow,just somehow,  we manage to.

You see,I have never understood the point of joke T-shirts at the best of times, simply because wearing a joke on your chest is like walking around all day and telling the same gag over and over....everyone just wants you to shut the fuck up. 

But then, one can't argue logically with someone who thinks wearing a T-shirt with a rapey joke is the last word in comedy couture. Instead, we have to think of such garb as branding. It's simply a handy method of letting the world know that the person in the T-shirt is a grade-A bellend and no one need waste even a minute of their time on them.

So, if you find yourself umming and ahh-ing over that slogan t-shirt that everyone is going to hate you for, think of my article and burn it. Even if you are yet to buy it, buy it and burn it- that's one less shit t-shirt that we'll have to worry about!